Methods for Deciding Which Friendships Are Really Worth Keeping

Photo by ELEVATEfrom PexelsFriendships at their finest may seem welcoming, secure, and magical as if you and another had what it takes to fill each other's universe. People often tell me as a contemporary love therapist that they feel more seen and heard by their platonic friends than by family, spouses, and coworkers. Friendships, however, become more difficult as we age, sometimes causing uncertainty and pain. It may be difficult to know whether to attempt to reconnect, when to allow the connection room for the natural ebbs and flows of intimacy, and when to terminate it with dignity.

Friendships fade for a variety of reasons, some understandable and others not so much. It's natural to lose contact when you move across the nation, marry someone with conflicting political beliefs, or go through various life phases at different times. In other circumstances, there is a lack of reciprocity for no apparent reason, or not enough threads of connection are being spun to maintain the relationship's fabric.

It might be difficult to know whether to seek connection if you realize you're less connected to someone than previously but aren't sure why. What's the difference between regular changes in proximity and harmful distance that indicates the end is near? What does it say if you keep putting off getting that drink and making excuses about your availability? Should you speak out about what's not working in the relationship, or should you leave to allow room for more loving ones? We must prioritize who and what is essential to us with so many demands on our time. While we cannot influence the actions and decisions of others, we can select who we invite into the ring of our life.

The justification for addressing, rather than ignoring, relationship distance

When partnerships no longer feel pleasant, many of us abandon them rather than confront the issues in front of them. When we cling on to relationships that don't seem clear, we create a framework of "stable ambiguity," or the condition of being too afraid to be alone but also being hesitant to truly, fully, honestly, and completely participate in the growth of intimacy, as relationship expert Esther Perel describes.

The haziness might make us feel as if we're in a waiting room, waiting to see who will make the first move or bid for connection. The problem is that these agreements prevent us from seeking stronger relationships or, conversely, from saying no to individuals we don't want to have a front-row seat to our lives. Nobody in the partnership feels like their needs are being satisfied, which may be harmful to our mental and physical well-being.

Common causes of a friendship breakdown

Growing up entails having lived experiences

Our needs vary as we develop, and so do our relationships. Childhood friendships may have seemed steady, complete with routines like after-school playdates and library study sessions; they may have seemed to endure forever. Then comes maturity, when we no longer have the metronome that keeps us all on the same schedule.

As our lived experiences mold us, we begin to walk down other routes, subscribe to different beliefs, and become new persons. While this is perfectly natural, we lack a cultural vocabulary for dealing with these relationship-destabilizing shifts. Many of us delay dealing with ends and transitions to escape the sadness that comes with them. Admitting that a friendship is no longer exciting or invigorating comes with sentiments of sadness, regret, or even wrath (the indicator of the presence of unmet needs).

In American society, the nuclear family and independence are emphasized at the price of friendship

There is a significant investment in marriage and the nuclear family, which is sanctioned by the state and monetarily rewarded with tax cuts and perks. The dating industrial complex is based on the notion that being single is a problem that must be solved-research and grant monies are devoted to understanding romantic love-recent estimates reveal that about 370 million individuals in the United States are seeking love online. I couldn't locate a single statistic that measured individuals who seek friendship online—we don't quantify it because we don't value it culturally.

As adults, society is not naturally designed for us to form or retain friendships. As a result, many individuals feel alienated and estranged from their communities, relying too much on themselves or their spouses to feel fed. According to the Survey Center on American Life, the number of Americans who believe they don't have a single close buddy has doubled since 1990.

Capitalism is incompatible with relationship wellness

In a society where being busy and productive is a measure of worth—and an economy based on extracting as much work from people as possible for as little money as possible—it may be difficult to give relationships the space and energy they need to flourish. What we nurture develops, and it has become perfectly acceptable to blame work for not being able to invest in connection. Because there is no enforceable obligation or expectation that we show up at 9 a.m., friendships are entirely optional. Like our work, we must be ready to interact. As a result, many individuals put platonic connections on hold.

5 things to consider while making decisions in the name of intimacy and authenticity

1. Is this connection valuable to me?

Consider the individual you're conflicted about and ask yourself whether they still have value and significance in your life. What do you like about them? When you think about spending time with them, how do you feel in your body?

Consider what you still gain from the relationship. Is familiarity still valuable to you? Is it comforting to have someone who knows about your history present in your life? Is there anything you still like about each other?

Determine if you can change this person's position and your expectations of them (from best friend to peripheral friend, perhaps). You may determine that they still mean a lot to you, but you won't strive to connect with them in the same manner or at the same frequency.

2. In this relationship, how do I feel about giving?

If you've begun to experience resentment, it signifies you've gone over your limit. Resentment breeds distance and, in certain situations, disdain, and is a predictor of relationship breakdown. Consider how you feel about what you're giving out—your time, emotional energy, and so on—and ask yourself if there are any ways you may either preserve your energy and resources or ask for certain requirements to be satisfied.

3. What remained unsaid?

We often think that discussing difficult topics will result in a schism. In actuality, if acknowledging our emotions causes distance or conflict, we did not cause the issue; we just disclosed it. Spend some time considering what you may want to say that sounds difficult or frightening, and assess if the relationship can withstand hearing it.

If it can't, share it with someone else in your life so that these sentiments are acknowledged. If it can, consider what needs to change for you to find the courage to share. Consider it a kind of advocacy for yourself and the relationship.

4. Can I wait for this individual?

Life is a lengthy journey. There may be times when they are apart and others when they are close. Consider if you can allow someone room to work through their difficulties while being open and connected to the desire for more in the future. How can you let them know you're giving them space and will connect with them when they're ready?

5. Can I utter my last words?

Goodbyes are often avoided in dominant white American society. We don't want to equate endings with sadness (defined as the shape love takes when someone you care about dies). Rather than ignoring the end of the connection and allowing it to fade, try participating in the process of "power parting," which is a method to end a relationship with compassion and integrity, leaving you and the other with clarity rather than uncertainty.

The four main components of "power parting" are as follows:

1. Thank you for all I've learned from you.

2. This is what I take away from you.

3. This is what I want you to remember about me.

4. Moving ahead, this is what I hope for you.

Many relationships have distinct starts, middles, and finishes. The issue isn't with these phases; it's when we attempt to ignore or struggle against their truth. Having the courage to pay attention to how relationships feel and what we want to do about them empowers us. It also opens additional chances for intimacy, either within current relationships or by making room in our life for new ones.